It's been a while since I made a blog post on this website and I decided since I'm not in a good place mentally right now perhaps this would be a good place to just vent about my problems and discover whatever it is that's bringing me down so low. I haven't really talked about it but a while but a while back my diagnosis was changed to being bipolar with PTSD. I've been going to group therapy every week and taking my medication as prescribed yet, I still don't feel much better.
I have this overwhelming feeling of defeat and quite honestly right now I don't feel like I have any control over my life whatsoever. I feel out of it and at the same time my feelings range from extremely emotional all the way to robotic and emotion free. Slowly, I've been figuring out what my triggers are and once I do figure them out hopefully I can come up with a plan to avoid them.
My brain right now doesn't feel as sharp as it used to in fact, I'm actually having a lot of difficulty typing up this blog post. I don't sleep well at night because I'm awakened by nightmares of traumatic things that have happened to me in my life and when I wake up it takes me a few minutes to realize where I am and that I’m not that child experiencing these horrible things.
I just feel like sleeping all day long because assuming I don't have the nightmares and am able to sleep at least when I'm sleeping. I also don't have the anxiety and depression which in the past had a strong hold on me for many years now. Sometimes, I feel like I should find a doctor who will give me a lobotomy because walking around brainless and feeling emotion free because it sounds a lot better than what I've been living with.
I pray some sort of miracle takes place in my life and I finally am able to live a normal life free of all this depression and anxiety.