Going to start detailing my therapy

 

 

For the benefit of others facing the horrors of Bipolar, PTSD, and Severe Anxiety I have decided to share my therapy with you (Kinda). I have found that I’m only honest with my therapist and psychiatrist when I take a letter detailing what is going on in my head prior to our appointment. I will post those here with names redacted along what happened during my sessions and if and how the things talked about and medication dispensed worked.  I hope this helps me and maybe someone else. Thanks.

Current Meds:

Duloxetine DR 60mg 1x daily
Risperidone 0.5mg 2x daily
Risperidone 2mg at Bedtime
Lamotrigine 150mg 1x daily
Lorazepam 1mg 3x daily

Hello {Redacted},

Just like I do with {Redacted} now I feel it best to put my feelings in writing prior to our appointments so that I will be completely honest with you and you are able to help come up with an action plan so that at some point in the future I will be strong enough not to need therapy.

It’s been awhile since our last meeting and, unfortunately,  a lot has changed. I am now on some new medication that seems to be helping a bit, but I still don’t feel right. I still have a hard time staying asleep and wake up reliving some of the really bad things that happened in my past as if I was there. New memories have begun to surface and in all honesty I’m not sure if they’re real or something my mind made up. All I really know is that they are horrific and something that I wish would stop.

My anxiety is still pretty bad. I can venture out for an hour or so, but the overwhelming feeling that someone wants to hurt me or people are judging me because I look or act funny is almost unbearable. I wish I had one of those invisibility cloaks like in Harry Potter so I could complete all the tasks I must do outside the home and not be seen. I know part of this is a self-esteem issue but right now for back of a better term I feel like garbage juice (The liquid that escapes the trash bag and ends up in the bottom of the can).

I think of suicide and cutting at least a few times a day, but I don’t currently have a plan and feel I can resist the urge to do it. I just feel out of place and unworthy of life quite frankly. One day if things don’t get better this might be something I act upon, but not until my children are adults. I’ve been extremely depressed for a little while now and have noticed changes in sleep, appetite and just the inability to find anything that I enjoy.

As you suggested I’ve tried mindfulness, visualization techniques and even sitting in the dark listening to Tibetan singing bowls and other calming sounds when the anxiety or invasive thoughts hit, but none of these really work for me. Many times these techniques make things worse and trigger flashbacks to traumatic events of my childhood. I’m open to any suggestion you have and will try it even electroshock therapy. I just want the ability to make these feelings stop.

Lastly, I need to learn how to communicate my feelings to others. There are days I’m dying inside and instead of saying I’m having a bad day or whatever I say I’m fine, great, etc… I’ve developed this type of fear of letting myself negatively impact others and have convinced myself that my feelings and thoughts don’t matter and better not be spoken. I have to put on a happy front in public. I mean there was actually a time this week I was pretending to be happy around someone while thinking about the best way to commit suicide (I chose jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge BTW). I know this isn’t a healthy thought process and just want to have some tools to help make this stop.

Thanks,

 

~~~Lonnie

 

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