I know depression and bipolar type two go hand and hand, but I really hate how my life is currently going. I have come to realize most of my life I haven’t felt happy. I just feel flat, bored, irritated, but very little brings me actual happiness. I thought I may be different growing up, and at the same time I thought others just “acted” happy when in public because people wear their public masks. I feel like I’m on the show “Dexter” and part of it is because I can understand his disconnection from the world around him and the feeling like he’s faking his life. I have a lot of other emotions (but lots of them are negative, like intense anxiety), so I have trouble in many social situations. It’s often easier for me to avoid social situations altogether than to face the anxiety of them.
As I grow older life just seems to get harder and harder. Currently, my main issue has to be stress. I love my job because I get to sit behind a computer daily at home and not deal with an office environment, but the upcoming cut in hours is calling into question whether or not I’m going to be able to continue working at this company. I either need to find an entirely new job, a second job or a way to earn a couple hundred dollars on the side each and every month just so we can cover our current bills.
I really am scared of going back to an office environment because my bipolar and social anxiety make me physically ill when I’m around more than five people. I would go back on meds, but I can’t afford them and although they seem to fix a lot of my issues the side effects make me feel like a zombie who needs to sleep all the time. In fact on my meds according to the government I’m disabled but off them I can function just enough to earn an impoverished living.
I’m not an idiot I know that I’ll never be a rich man, but is it too much to ask to be able to be able to pay all my bills on time and have more than five bucks in my savings account? I need to figure something out because my family needs me to do something. Anything really. Any suggestions would be appreciated because right now life sucks. Thanks.