This time of year is hard for me

 

I don’t want to seem like I’m having a pity party but this time of year for me is the most difficult for me because of traumatic events that have happened in my life most of which I have never and probably publicly or even privately talk about. These events play tricks with my mind and I’m sad to say are responsible for my 5 suicide attempts over the years.
Looking back I see how ridicules I was to ever attempt something so permanent just to stop the pain and sadness I was feeling inside. The problem is every year I tell myself that I’m not going to let it get to me this year and every year it does. I’ve tried medicine, I’ve talked to physiatrists, checked myself into mental health facilities and even tried going to church and asking God to help me but alas it just seems like nothing really helps.
How is it a few dozen things can seem to enslave my life and cause me such pain? Will I ever be cured? Right now I’ve just been trying to keep myself occupied with other things hoping that maybe I can distract myself long enough so that my triggers don’t come around and it’s like I’m reliving events all over again. Maybe this will be the year it finally happens. I plan on keeping myself busy with a family trip to San Diego and then when I get back focusing on my weight loss. Maybe a thinner more physically healthier me can beat my PTSD and depression because the thought of going back on meds really scares me. When I was taking them it was like I was a prisoner in my own head. I didn’t really feel sad but that’s because I really couldn’t feel at all it’s like I was a zombie just trying exist.
So if I seem locked away the next few weeks or months you know why. I do however plan to continue posting on here because it’ s the one thing I have found that does help me feel a little better. Til bext time.

Lonnie Smalley