It’s time to give up on what might have been



I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas yesterday and was able to spend time with your family. I was lucky enough to be able to spend the entire day with mine even though I had to work from home.

Anyways, Christmas is always a day of reflection for me since it is exactly 6 months from my next birthday. Every Christmas evening I lay in bed and pretty much beat myself up over what might’ve been.

So last night I looked back at all the mistakes I’ve made over my 39 1/2 years of existence and came to the conclusion that it’s finally time to let it all go. It’s time to put all the mental and emotional luggage from my past away and start again.

I’ve given myself until December 31st 2017 to come up with a plan on how to improve my life to where I’m happy. It’s not about money or other people just about me finding the happiness that seems to have avoided me for almost 4 decades. New Year’s 2018 is probably as good a place as any to launch this currently being developed plan.

So far the only things I have listed are:

  • Stop losing my temper so much. I know off medication this is something that is more difficult to master but it is doable.
  • Learn patience because it would help with losing my temper
  • Find a hobby because right now there’s just nothing I enjoy out there in the world.
  • Stop blaming everything on my mental illness. Sure, I know that it does cause a lot of issues but ultimately when things go bad it’s my fault so I need to stop using that crutch.
  • I need to stop worried about my finances. I’m in an okay place so I need to stop obsessing about every nickel and dime.
  • Hopefully, this will be the year I make an IRL friend other than my spouse.
  • Stop worrying about what others think. I need to realize that what other people think of me is not important. In fact, I need to realize that they probably don’t think of me at all which is comforting and sad in a way.
  • I need to figure out ways to express myself. My big anger issue lately comes about when I’m ignored. Usually, this involves my kids but occasionally my wife. It just makes me feel like I don’t exist and eventually I will blow up and then hideaway in my room. I think I need to get back to blogging and doing YouTube videos because they’ve helped me in the past.

That’s all I got for now.

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