Anxiety the early years
I suffered from anxiety for decades. As a matter of fact, I don’t recall the first time I experienced it or even what life without it felt like. The thing is as a child you don’t know what anxiety is and you and assume these feelings are you being sick. I always felt ill as a kid and my parents called me a hypochondriac. In retrospect, I now realize the sickness I experienced was the feeling of anxiety.
Virtually all my anxiety stems from childhood events and trauma. I’m not going to go into that but because of this, I’ve always been somewhat of a shy and nervous person. This is something that’s carried on into my adult life. I rarely leave my house. I work from home, have my doctors appointments online, and even do my shopping via the internet.
When I do venture out I usually have to rely on my Alprazolam (Xanax) prescription to keep from freaking out. Even a simple interaction with a grocery store cashier can be a bit much for my anxiousness. My intrusive thoughts tell me everybody is judging me and hates me. My low self-esteem causes me to feel I’m not worthy to be in anyone’s presence.
For a long time, I have tried my best and have never overcome these issues. There are a couple of small mindfulness tricks which help on occasion but I’m certain I’ll always be somewhat of a recluse. The damaging experiences of my childhood are something I’m convinced I will never overcome. As a child, I was told nearly every day that I’m stupid, worthless, and the world would be better without me.It really messed with my head and regrettably, I still believe them. I would like to find out how to get past these thoughts since they’ve been holding me back from my dreams for a long time.
My current war with Anxiety
The past few weeks all I’ve wanted to do is lay in bed although I could not sleep. Nothing seems to interest me right now. I’ve stopped doing things I once enjoyed and even don’t feel like eating. My mind has been dwelling on the past and reliving every unspeakable moment. Avoiding self-harm, admittance to UPC (Urgent Psychological Center) has been challenging. The past couple of days I’ve finally begun to make progress against my anxiety and depression.
I know this was a pretty boring post but I felt the need to write it. Thanks for reading and keep fighting the fight against mental illness.