Unfortunately, I'm beginning to believe that interacting with anyone outside of my home triggers a PTSD attack. Yesterday was my children's parent-teacher conferences and for the most part nothing really stands out is going wrong, in fact everyone was pretty much nice to me and I left feeling upbeat and proud of my children. A couple hours later however I started feeling depressed and overwhelmed by my emotions and that got me thinking about some of those darn events that seem to rule my life and control my mind.
I tried using my "room" method and it seemed to work at least against the flashes but now it seems I'm in a new different phase of PTSD and depression. Something changed inside of me and now the pain, sadness and even guilt had been replaced with anger, hatred and even disgust towards those who have hurt me in the past. How many years has it been and I've never received an apology or any reason behind what was done to me. When I tried to bring it up a few years ago with one of the people who did horrible things to me as a child all I got was from them was denial and lies.
My mother has passed away as I've mentioned many times on this blog and I think even though she may have had good intentions when she told me not to talk about what happened to me or confront those involved it really messed up my head a lot more than it had been in the past. I'm not going to publicly discuss what happened to me or who did what even though my therapist believes it would be a good idea I'm just going to try to move on. I mean I'm an adult and at this point in my life I'm pretty certain I can keep any of these events from happening to me again and there's no law saying I have to associate with those people who did those horrible things.
I am just hurting right now on the inside, and feel like I need to grow up and put this behind me. I'm not saying I will ever forgive those people but I don't have to let events from the past dictate my future and rob me of happiness. I probably will end up posting more on this blog in the coming weeks as I attempt to push myself in doing things in the real world no matter how uncomfortable it might make me. Hopefully I can find a way to get over this and stop being afraid of living.