So I was at the gym today working out and BOOM it hit me. All of the sudden the depression and PTSD symptoms I thought I had finally came to terms with were back and stronger than I remember. I feel like I’m a prisoner in my own brain and my life is just playing out however it feels like and I have no control over any outcome.
I really don’t want to go back on Meds because before I stopped taking them a few years ago I was on some really strong stuff. So strong in fact I was numb to everything and have very little memory of that time frame. In the past when this happened I’d withdraw and try to regroup but I know from past experiences that if I do that other people in my life will not respect my space and leave me to sort this out. Yes, I do realize that that probably isn’t the best approach but every time I’ve tried anything else it’s always ended in a failed suicide attempt.
Please don’t read that last line and think “He must be crazy” because I’m not. I’ve just dealt with many things in my life that most people never will even realize goes on in the world. Life has been hard and I have my moments where that permanent solution to a temporary problem seems so easy and feels like it’s just to easy to pass up. I don’t ever want to hit that point in my life again because it’s scary.
I know I should be a happy person because I have a great life but I have those days/weeks where it’s like someone or something is pushing every button out there to make me relive some of the worst moments of my life over and over. I wish over the years I would have learned some coping skills but I didn’t. I’ve never done them but I can see how people under similar circumstances have turned to drugs. I guess in a way I did do something similar I turned to food. It offered me an escape and even it wasn’t enough sometimes.
So I guess what I’m saying is I’ll probably be away from here for awhile. See Ya when I see you…