It’s one of those days again. I’m feeling down and thinking up ways to feel again. I decided to resist the urge to cut myself and take the time to put up a blog post instead. It’s times like these my mind really want’s that scratch, to feel that sweet sting and to see that I am capable of feeling and am not some type of mindless robot.
Today has been a day of reflection/ Thinking back to my childhood because I think for the first time it finally clicked that my mother is going to die. She’s been in and out of the hospital and I’ve tried to see her as much as my condition would allow but until today I just didn’t want to accept the facts. People toss around terms like cancer, terminal, letting nature take it’s course and of course all we can do now is make her comfortable. The thing is I do want her to be comfortable but I don’t want them to give up because I don’t wanna lose my mom.
For awhile now I because of my PTSD and other issues I haven’t been able to open up to many people but I’ve always been able to talk to my mom. That’s why seeing her in the hospital frail and in obvious pain has been so difficult. Now the hospital has basically said they have done all they can and my family needs to take her to a hospice or home. So it’s like they’re saying “Let her die”.
I love my mom and it’s so painful even thinking about this subject that my mind tries to shutoff or go away into another world. I’m so worried that when I do get the news it will be more than I can take. I’d do anything if it meant my mom could stay around even just a little bit longer but unfortunately it doesn’t seem in the cards. Sometimes life just isn’t fair.
If your reading this and are the praying type please say a prayer for my mom. Thanks.