It’s almost Thanksgiving and I can’t help but wonder if my mother will even be around then due to the cancer that has engulfed her body. I’ve been spending my days at home alone lost in reflection thinking about choices I have made and regrets I now have. It’s not a pretty sight but it’s the life I currently have.
Last year I was going through a very rough spot lost in my depression so badly that I cut myself off from the outside world. Today however, I’m feeling very guilty, my entire family minus my wife, children and myself celebrated Thanksgiving together at which everyone believed would be the last Thanksgiving my mother would be in attendance for. I foolishly and selfishly chose not to attend. In fact there was no Thanksgiving in at my house last year because this depression left me nearly suicidal and that’s not something for which I was thankful for.
It takes a lot of effort for me to visit my mother in this state and that something I’m sure most of my family doesn’t understand. It’s so hard seeing her in her bed so frail, nearly unable to even speak and practically dying before my very eyes. Seeing her like this makes me ashamed for being such a failure at life and unable to help with her care. I haven’t spoken much about but I’ve never been good with death as evident in me being unable to even go to Sarah’s funeral over a decade ago.
I rarely talk about her but I miss her. I regret never introducing her to my family most because I was afraid they would embarrass me with stories of my childhood stupidity. It’s been hard dealing with her death and that was so many years ago I can only imagine how badly I’m going to take this on escapable eventual outcome with my mother. I mean this is the woman who brought me into this world and my stupid brain isn’t allowing me to be there for her as she embarks on her own journey out of this world.
Needless to say the next two months are going to be hard for me with Thanksgiving and Christmas on the horizon I just hope I’m able to keep myself from swirling down that drain of depression and doing something stupid. I wish there was someway I could go back in time and make up for my stupidity and selfishness but unfortunately there isn’t. My only course of action is to keep living life to the best of my ability and try not to let all these bad memories get in the way of me experiencing life.
Please keep my mother and the rest of my family in your prayers. Thank you and I hope that at some point I’m able to post something on this blog that could possibly even to the slightest degree be construed as positive news.