I can feel it starting again. The tightness in my chest, my heart beating faster, hairs standing up on the back of my head and my mind starting to lose sense of where exactly I’m at. It happened again at the gym today, I was working out and then boom a PTSD flashback and I’m reliving one of the most traumatic events in my life.
The silly thing is it all started with just a smell. It’s crazy to think a person could have a reaction like this just by smelling something another person put on to make themselves smell better. I won’t go into details but it was horrible and I had to leave the gym and sit down outside after I threw up in the restroom.
Today I find myself unable to relax and totally on edge. I wish someone could explain to me how I could be doing so well the last few days and then without warning drop into the hopeless depression I’m feeling even now a few hours after the flashback.
By doctor had told me if I have a flashback like this I should try to figure out what triggered it and that would keep it from becoming a repeating occurrence. She was wrong! This particular flashback doesn’t want to go away and I feel helpless like the child I was when the events my mind is forcing me to relive originally occurred.
Today I decided after the gym I just chill out and try to relax but that really isn’t working out for me. I hope one day I am able to go without moments like this but for now the best I can do is try to put behind me regardless of how difficult that task may be. Time is getting hard for me because I don’t think I’m strong enough mentally to visit my mother again because it’s so difficult for me to see her practically dying right before my eyes. Please if it’s not too much to ask, keep my mother and the rest of my family in your prayers. Thank you, God bless.