I've for one reason or another gone through a great majority of my life feeling as if I have very little to offer to the average conversation. I suppose I've at some point in my life picked up a fear that other people will view me as unintelligent or insignificant. I've been married for over 10 years to a wonderful wife who I love very much, and you'd think that of all people I could at least talk to her. Yet more and more I find myself security issues growing over the life of our relationship. Our conversations seem to have had its substance diminished more and more over the years as I rack my brain for all the words I am comfortable enough to say.
I appear to have feelings and emotions that I'm unable to translate them into words. I don't mean just the appropriate words, but these days my mind has begun to completely draw a blank. It's frustrating because I know how I feel but just can't seem to describe it. Every day as I talk to the people I come across I have to be extra careful of what I'm saying, how I sound, what my body is doing, in order to keep myself from looking like a complete idiot. For the most part I get by. However, every night I have nothing to share with my wife. Even though I have had a full day, I don't feel that I have anything worth sharing, and somehow my brain just does not chronicle the day's events as it should…i.e., bringing out the highlights and the lowlights of the day. It's as if I've forgotten everything.
Maybe this is normal but with all of my issues I've began to wonder if it's a sign of some type of undiagnosed mental problem or just a product of my low self-esteem which as you know plagued me most of my life. Whatever the issue is I need to find some type of resolution because it’s starting to mess with my marriage and overall mental wellness.
I know that the odds are against anybody ever reading this but if you are I would like to apologize for making you suffer through this site and my random some time incoherent ramblings. This particular blog was setup as an online journal of sorts to let me look back over issues in my life and serve as a way to help my somewhat unreliable brain learn from my past failures and accomplishments. I rarely reread my posts and type whatever manages to spew from my brain giving no concern to grammar or even coherency.