We all know having bipolar disorder sucks but unless you’ve lived with this disorder you really won’t understand what this mental illness is like no matter how many Wikipedia posts you read.
Depression. Duh! Everyone knows people with bipolar disorder get depressed after all it was once called manic depression. The problem is most people think depression is just being sad. It’s more than that and in fact, I’m currently in a depressive episode right now.
With bipolar disorder, depression is far more than just being sad. It causes you to feel empty inside and unable to find pretty much anything to enjoy. You have trouble focusing and even just getting out of bed is a challenge so employment is an issue as most of us go on disability.
- Is this person mad at me? (We are oversensitive at times)
- Am I going to get fired? (I was employee of the month at one job and found myself worrying about this the next day)
- This bad thing happened (real life or even in a movie) is it my fault?
- Am I going to be homeless? (You can have a years worth of rent money and still have this fear)
- Is my spouse going to leave me? (This can be a legitimate fear but in most cases, love keeps them with you for the long haul)
- People are judging me! (We tend to feel awkward in public due to the anxiety most of us have with bipolar and start to think others can read or mind or know we are ill)
The worst thing about this mental illness is the suicidal thoughts. This is something I’ve been dealing with the last few days. Don’t worry I don’t have a plan and I know where to get help if I need it. Anyways these thoughts get overwhelming. You start to think about the world without you in it and begin to make lists of reasons it would be better without you.
Eventually, they get so bad you only have two options. Act on them or seek help. Depression makes you think the pain you are feeling will last forever and for some suicide does seem like the only way out and I’m not going to judge them for that. To me though seeking help is the far better option.
If you feel this way you have to let someone know. Your doctor, family, a friend or even just call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. There are people out there who care and want to help. You are never alone in your battle against this disease.
My issue right now is I am in crisis due to one follow of mine on social media and now I’m being made fun of and harassed for blocking everyone associated with this person. I’ve been trying to avoid social media but it’s hard. It’s my only way to interact with others since I never leave my home. I think my suicidal ideation is due to not really talking to people anymore.
I made most of my social media accounts private now. The only two accounts which are not is my Google Plus and my main Twitter (Yes, I have two Twitter accounts. One to talk about bipolar and sports. The other is more for the family feed.) It’s really sad how one person you never met before can have such a negative impact on your life just because of Twitter.
Anyway, my depression tends to last at least a few months to even years. I do occasionally go to U.P.C. (Urgent Psychiatric Care) because I have planned out my death. I really don’t think I need it yet this go around but one never can be sure.
In closing I want people to know that the depression that comes along with bipolar disorder is crippling and a real disease. It’s something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy yet most people really don’t care. They think you can just snap out of it but you can’t. I really hope more people understand this disease and to the ones that never do I hope you just leave me alone.