In my last blog post, I talked about how I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night because of my racing thoughts. At the suggestion of one of my Twitter followers, I took the time to write out everything that popped into my head and kept me from sleeping. Once I wrote everything down I felt a lot better and had a very restful night.
They may seem random and strange but I thought I would share some of the things that have been giving me anxiety and which led to my racing thoughts. Here are a few of the big ones in no particular order.
- I hate driving:
Here in Phoenix, there are a lot of crazy drivers. I’m always afraid of getting into an accident and possibly hurting myself, a family member, or even a perfect stranger. My wife who is 35 years old still doesn’t have her drivers license. She does plan on getting it soon and do some of the driving from time to time as well as drive herself to and from work.
The thought of her getting her license makes me happy and sad at the same time. I’m happy because it means less time I have to be the driver. However, I’m sad because it means we get to see less of each other and won’t have the fun car conversations we’ve had since we first got together. To be honest, those conversations are the reason I haven’t pressured her to get her license. Also, because she will be a new driver I’m afraid of her getting into a wreck or lost.
- I worry about my kids:
I worry that because of my mental illness maybe I’m a bad father. I haven’t given my kids a lot of the material things other parents have and maybe when they grow up they will resent me for that. Also, I do get moody from time to time and I am concerned that maybe they are too afraid to talk to me about certain subjects.
Another thing that I’m concerned about is school. My son was bullied and even had a knife pulled on him on his way home from school so we put him in K-12 Arizona Virtual Academy and while he is doing better I’m concerned he might not be taking his schoolwork seriously. My daughters, on the other hand, seem to take high school way too seriously and get extremely stressed out about their grades. I hope they find a way to have some fun as most people say your teenage years are supposed to be the best time of your life.
- I don’t feel safe:
I’ve been hypervigilant the last few weeks. Regularly I get up and make sure my gate is locked as well as my front and back doors. I check on my kids and my dogs to make sure everything’s okay because I have this overwhelming fear that something bad is about to happen.
On Monday a girl from Carl Hayden High School which is where my girls go was walking home and someone attempted to kidnap her. We got a letter yesterday about it and it freaked me out a little because it seems like this happens over here every few months yet you never see it on the news. I am happy the girl got away but I realize that it could have been one of my kids and that freaks me out.
- A stressful project at work:
Thankfully last night a very stressful project ended at my job. Some nights I would get off of work and when I started to dream I only dreamt of doing my job. To make matters worse, some days I would have to go to work really early the next day. So it was like I didn’t get a break from work.
I have scheduled a few days off in February and am sticking to my minimum amount of required hours, for now, to recuperate from the stress as well as hopefully, give my body a chance to heal itself from all my injuries.
- I’m not normal:
Even though this isn’t close to being the final thing that keeps me up at night it is the last one I’m going to share with you today. This is a big one for me because I even worry about this during the daytime. Sometimes I use my mental illness as a crutch and blame it for a lot of things. However, there comes a time where you have to start accepting responsibilities for the way things are despite your disabilities.
I know I’m not normal because I am very uncomfortable around other people yet long for social interaction daily. Things got worse for me when my wife stopped working for home and got a job at Amazon. She’s away for 10+ hours at a time and I really miss her. For years she has pretty much been the only adult I have talked to regularly other than people on social media. I need to make a friend but have no idea how to start.
Also, I have very abnormal thoughts that even my therapist gives me weird looks when I decide to share them. Maybe I will start blogging about them and see what you guys think. (Who am I kidding I’m probably the only one that reads this since I rarely get any comments).
Anyways, I just felt like sharing this because it might help somebody who happens to come across this blog post. Have a great day and hopefully peaceful dreams.